the conversations i kept having with myself.

for a long time i had the same conversation with myself on a loop. it went something like: you know this isn't right. you know what you should do. you know how this ends. and then i would find a reason to wait a little longer. to give it one more chance. to let the good days override the evidence of the bad ones.

i became very skilled at talking myself into patience that was actually avoidance. at calling it grace when it was really fear.

the conversation only stopped when i got tired of hearing myself have it. when the weight of the loop became heavier than the weight of the change. and then something shifted — not dramatically, not all at once — but enough. enough to take one step in a different direction. and then another.

i think about that loop sometimes. how long i stayed in it. and i don't judge her, the version of me who kept circling. she was doing the best she could with what she had. but i'm glad she finally got tired.