there are things i never said out loud that lived in my body for years. not secrets exactly — more like weights i got so used to carrying that i forgot they weren't supposed to be there. the tension in my shoulders when a certain kind of silence fell in a room. the way i'd rehearse conversations before having them, running every possible version until i'd exhausted the anxiety into something manageable.
i thought that was just how people worked. turns out it was just how i'd learned to survive certain kinds of love. the ones where you had to prepare. where you couldn't just arrive as yourself and trust that would be enough. i'm still unlearning the rehearsal. still catching myself composing responses to things that haven't been said yet. but i'm getting better at putting the weight down. at noticing when i'm carrying something that was never mine to carry in the first place.
i'll take that. i'll take that into the next one.
@diverse_.writes